1) We, the Palestinian National Municipality, agree to arrest, torture and imprison our own people if they disagree with any aspects of our capitulation to the Israeli side.

We will do this in exchange for a further one percent of land to be passed over to our control. The remaining twelve percent will be added to the areas that we get cut off from on a regular basis every time Israel decides to close the roads betweeen our towns in the territories.

Of this total 13 percent, we have agreed that 3 percent of it will be nature reserve land that we cannot build on, which will do nothing to solve the problem of overcrowding in Palestinian cities.

We will also be allowed finally to open an airport, again a little tardy and already agreed upon, and naturally under soverign Israeli control. Israel has also kindly allowed us to open an industrial park on our own land in Gaza.

We acknowledge that the opening of a sea port, which would open the doors to real trade revenue for the Palestinians, is subject to further negotiations during the next two months, which will never be concluded as riots/acts of terrorism that breaks out as a response to this agreement will give the Israelis an excuse to delay this step yet again.

2) We, the Israeli Government, agree to begin to negotiate the opening of a safe passage route which we had already concluded an agreement on opening five years ago.

At some unspecified point in the future, we will give the Palestinian side another 14.2 percent of land near the existing Area A towns that we cannot really geographically police anyway. Where policing is needed in these areas, we are confident that the Palestinians will do it for us.

After that, we'll perhaps talk some more about the return of the really important land, naturally excluding anything fertile or over an aquifer.

We emphasise once again the importance of solving Palestinian economic problems, as we firmly believe that it is this, not our institutionalised theft of land and repression of a whole people for half a century, that is really the root of Palestinian discontent.

We will also gladly mention to the donors that they should give the Palestinians more money, which is a much easier question for us to address than why we are not offering reparations to the Palestinian people for fifty years of military occupation.

3) We, the American Rulers of the World, out of our desire to see peace, justice and human rights prevail in Palestine, and out of our electorial obligations to the pro-Israel lobby in Washington, have agreed to lend the Palestinians the expert monitoring services of the Central Intellegence Agency, known and respected worldwide for its committment to peace, justice and human rights.

We are particularly grateful to the Palestinian Authority for generously compromising once again, in order to afford us the opportunity to claim a media victory that will get the attention away from the President and his intern problems.

4) We, the World Community, pretty much dependent on the Americans for pretty much everything these days, once again clap and praise the leaders of all three countries for reaching an agreement that means no change in the status quo for the still unresolved Palestinian Question.

The full text of the Wye River Memorandum is available at http://www.israel.org/peace/wye.html